This is my job:
I posted this clip from "Joe Versus the Volcano" earlier on Facespace. It's true, this is how I feel when I go in to work every single day. I try to get through the day to get off for the evening and I try to get through the week to be off for the weekend. It is fucking killing me. 4 or 5 more months and I'll be out of debt I estimate and then maybe I can find another job even if it's less money. Or better yet I can continue to save a little and maybe move out of the bible belt. Yeah right, a year from now I'll be doing the same thing or something worse, it's in my nature.
I have no one but myself to blame for my misery, not only at work but with my overall pathetic life. I have a special gift of making the worst possible decisions throughout my life starting at about the age of 18. In my entire working career I have given notice to only one job that I was leaving, most of the others I just stopped going in or told my employer to shove it. I have carried some kind of large debt with me all during this time limiting my options as to what I can do with my life. Finally I've been such an asshole over the years to people that I've pretty much run off anyone who's ever given a shit about me (I'm speaking of romantic relationships primarily but this applies to many friends as well).
In addition to all that, I have burned through three long term relationships (one ten years and one six), I've spent two nights in jail in the same year, and I've made an ass out of myself in front of nearly everyone I care about including several family members. Thank goodness I'm not a drunk texter, oh wait... I wish I had Satchel Paige's wisdom: "Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you." But as we all know, hindsight is 20/20 and usually it's a bitch. Humiliation is a deep dark hole I climb in to often.
I started down this line of reflection last night. I was listening to music while I was doing laundry and this song came up on my play list on iTunes:
You know, I thought, I remember hearing this song all the time in 1994. That was a good year. I had moved to a new city recently, was training at what turned out to be a really fun and fantastic job, I had a boyfriend that I lived with, and I was taking college classes at night. As I review the years leading up to now they just don't measure up. I've had some great moments over those years but they've always been filled with ups and downs too.
I'm just so tired and depressed and spent with everything. I needed a way to vent these feelings and the blog felt like a good place. I know these feelings will pass eventually but I know that they will always return as well, as they always have throughout my adulthood.
It's been a while since I've had a "bitter party of one." Thanks for listening, er reading. It looks like my table is ready, now back to your regularly scheduled programming...